I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
