Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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