Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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