I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Randomize
