What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
