I just pynch a tree in the face
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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