I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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