I want to have your abortion
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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