Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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