i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
