when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was born a porn star she said
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i now understand why vodka
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
