I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We are two peas in an std pod
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
