They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
