Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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