I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
