I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
