sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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