Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
