No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
