Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
