i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
