it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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