Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
