I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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