fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize