I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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