he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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