god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
