i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
