Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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