so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize