someone get that fucking seahorse.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize