i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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