Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
