Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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