I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
