So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You ate ashes out of my bong
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
