Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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