this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
