Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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