Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
