I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
