i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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