Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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