you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm really busy with my period
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