i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
