I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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