I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i think my cat just said my name.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
