I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
