it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
