haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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