she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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