Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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