I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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