I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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