Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
