Someone shit on the floor
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
