May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
