so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
