my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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