Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
