It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
