after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
