I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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