turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
