Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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