What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
