She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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