when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
