OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was born a porn star she said
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
