can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
